What is Codependency?
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a set of behaviors and characteristics that develop from childhood as a way to cope. They are a result of dysfunction in the family; a parent who is codependent themselves, addiction or mental illness in a loved one, and other family issues. Moreover, These codependent behaviors seem to help the family function, but they inevitably cause problems in our self esteem and relationships in adulthood.
Codependency affects our ability to trust, accept, and love ourselves. In turn, we struggle to trust, accept, and unconditionally love others as well. We try hard to please others, and give a lot of ourselves to improve the lives of others, yet end up feeling inadequate or unreciprocated.
We tend to base our happiness on how our loved ones are doing, rather than our own thoughts, feelings, and values. With other’s problems being our focal point, we put ourselves, our needs, and our joy aside.
There are many signs and characteristics of codependency. You may identify with some and not with others. We all can attest to having some level of codependency from time to time. The important thing is whether these codependent behaviors are affecting you, your work, or your relationships.
Below is a short list of common codependent traits.
- Being overly independent and don’t like to ask for help.
- Feeling not good enough.
- Difficulty saying “No” and speaking up for yourself.
- Wanting to feel needed.
- Fear of rejection, criticism, or abandonment.
- Prioritizing other people’s problems and needs over your own.
- Feeling guilty about things you aren’t responsible for.
- Suppressing your needs and feelings.
- Needing to be and feel in control.
- Having a strong pull to solve loved one’s problems.
- Trouble identifying what you want.
- Giving more than you receive in your relationships with friends, partners, and family.
- People pleasing
- Perfectionism
If you identified with some or many of these behaviors, you may be struggling with codependency. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or you have done something wrong. In truth, these characteristics are a normal reaction to abnormal (though common) situations and childhoods. It is not your fault. You are not bad, broken, or unworthy.
My hope is that this article helps you gain insight as to whether you may be struggling with codependency and to know that you can learn new patterns and ways to cope. It’s possible to help others without neglecting yourself. You can learn to unconditionally love yourself and those around you. You can have healthy relationships that feel reciprocal and secure.
If you would like a professional to help you change unhelpful patterns and learn new ways of coping, I would be honored to join you in your journey to healing.
Contact me today to see if we are a good fit for working together.
All the best,
Vanessa
If you would like further information on codependency and characteristics of it, check out CODA.org